It’s easy to believe that it is who you are inside that matters when you like the person you are on the outside.  I spent most of my life as a thin and able bodied person.  I was often told I was beautiful or that I looked like a model.  And though I enjoyed those compliments (what girl wouldn’t?), I never placed that much importance on my appearance.  But over the last year or so I’ve gone through major changes that have affected the way I perceive my body and myself, and the way I looked on the outside started to take on an increasing significance and meaning.

About a year ago I was put on Prednisone, a steroid my doctors hoped would get my autoimmune pancreatitis and other autoimmune diseases under control.  One of its many side effects was rapid weight gain that caused me to put on over 100 pounds during the last year.  In addition, my arthritis got so severe I was no longer able to put any weight on my joints which has left me to get around in a wheelchair.

In less than a year, I was dealing with two major body and life adjustments at once.  I no longer looked like myself when I looked in the mirror.  None of my clothes fit.  I went from a size 2 to a size 24.  In addition, I could no longer walk.  I greeted the world from belly button level, constantly looking up to make eye contact with everyone.

I no longer felt likable on the outside.  I felt unattractive and therefore unable to make a good first impression.  I expected people to treat me differently and unsurprisingly they did.  They seemed uncomfortable and unsure of how to deal with me.  And I felt ashamed of myself.  I dreaded running into anyone who knew me as I was before.  The only thing that seemed worse than being thought of as “the fat girl in the wheelchair” was to be thought of as “the fat girl in the wheelchair who used to be thin and able to walk”.

But as the months went by like this, I started to change how I saw myself.  Truthfully, it really started with buying myself new clothes that I liked despite the size on the tag and some new makeup to cover up the horrible acne I also developed from the Prednisone.  I decided it was worth trying to look the best I could despite the fact that I wouldn’t ever look the way I felt I should at the weight I was at.

And I started to adjust to life in a wheelchair as well.  I got used to looking up at people and needing help with difficult doors.  I found that a confident smile put people more quickly at ease with me than awkward averted glances.

One day I realized people were treating me normally again.  And then I realized that it wasn’t they who had changed at all.  I started seeing myself normally again.  I was being my normal funny, fun, intelligent, friendly self and people were just mirroring that right back.  I realized that the whole time people were treating me differently was because I was expecting them to.  Once I went back to expecting them to treat me like they always had, they did!

And now I realize just how important appearances are.  But it isn’t the way I used to think.  It isn’t what you physically look like at all.  It’s how you carry yourself and that image of yourself that you put out there for people to pick up on.  As long as I display to the world the confident, approachable person I am, I will be treated accordingly.  And that is something that no amount of side effects or wheelchairs or other life changes can take away from me.

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