A Wedge Between Us
My dad and I REALLY don’t see eye to eye when it comes to my choices of treatment. He has a very hard time accepting that as a 25 year old woman they are in fact my choices and not his. My dad is a staunch believer in some pretty radical (and some not so radical) alternative medicine treatments. He believes that all my doctors are wrong because they are from a western medicine perspective. He doesn’t even believe in my diagnosis. So he sees my choice to follow conventional treatments in effect killing myself. His words not mine.
This makes it VERY difficult to have a relationship with him since right now my health is such a big part of my life. And he won’t agree to disagree. I feel at such a loss at what to do. I don’t want to cut him out of my life, but I don’t need his constant negativity about my choices. I’m the one who is sick. I shouldn’t have to take care of him and his anxieties as well. But that’s basically been my role in my family my entire life.
As much as I wish my dad will change, I don’t believe he ever will. I don’t know what that will mean for our relationship going forward, but it makes me sad that my illness is driving another wedge between a person I love and myself. It happened with so many friends who just didn’t want to or couldn’t or didn’t know how to deal with someone their age being chronically ill.
People have such strong and personal reactions to someone else’s chronic illness that I think they easily forget what that person is going through. My dad is afraid of some horrible side effect occurring from a medication I’m on, but he never acknowledges MY fears. He tells me how he is sooo worried about me every day, but what am I supposed to DO with that? Does he really expect me to be the one to comfort HIM?!
Just because I put on a brave face and do very best to be optimistic and make a life for myself despite my illness doesn’t mean I don’t have needs too. It doesn’t make the intense lonliness and isolation or the fears for my future or the daily physical pain of my illness any less.
Buy my dad doesn’t see it this way. So he continues to drive the wedge in deeper. And it hurts.
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Probably much of what I’m going to say you already know, but I’m going to type it anyway.
I do not believe that your father is handling your situation very well, but I hope that you are considering both sides. Because I’m a third party, I can see where both of you have wants and needs and that the only way both of you will ever get them is to be open and honest with each other.
Speaking from the perspective of a father, your dad still sees you as his little girl and I don’t think that should be taken away from him as long as he treats you like the woman you are and it doesn’t sound like that’s what he’s doing. My daughter has been hurt a couple of times and I think it was more than I could take. After the second time, I went to my doctor and asked for depression and anti-anxiety medication so I can deal with those issues…so far it’s worked pretty well.
But seeing your little girl hurting makes your mind go berserk. You don’t think straight. You get filled with anxiety, but worst of all, it kills you to know that you’re helpless to fix the problem. Daddy is always supposed to be there and be the strong one. I’m guessing he hasn’t always been that way, but I’m sure his instincts make him want to be.
His insistence that you get help elsewhere is his way of trying to fix the problem when all you really need is love, care, and understanding. He has fatherly blinders on and just doesn’t see that he is handling it wrong. Who is there to take the blinders off if not you? I’m not saying that it’s right or that you should have to be the one, but maybe having him back and treating you the right way is better for you than you know…
I’m leaving out how he should be treating you, but I’m concerned about Belle and her feelings because she’s my friend. Sometimes in life we have to make decisions that are hard and do things we don’t want to, but not making the decisions are sometimes worse.
As a son I can only tell you that I have no relationship with my father. He abandoned me and later in life I gave him the chance to be a part of mine, but he rejected it. I tell you this though…if he asked me tomorrow for another chance I’d give it too him because in my opinion no one is beyond forgiveness..
Hopefully, I don’t anger you with this post. I do my best to be here for you in the only way I can since we’re so far apart, but please know that you have a caring friend here in Florida who wants to see you healthy and happy. I’ll be praying for you…
Robby
No I’m not angered at all! I really appreciate your heartfelt comment! And I know you are right on about why my dad is acting as he is.
He does however refuse to take the blinders off. I’ve tried desperately for years, but he just won’t. I still love him though. But that’s why it hurts so much when he treats me like this.
And its really good to know that you care about me! Even all the way from Florida
<3
Reading your post today reminded me of the period when I was mis-diagnosed with Leukemia. People around me desperately wanted to help me, and sometimes they gave advice or literature that was contrary to my thinking (things like all you need to do is visualize yourself well or you’re responsible for what happened to you). So I understand your feelings completely. Eventually, I realized that people wanted to help, and I tried to give them constructive ways to do so. Other times I just thanked them profusely for their help and then moved in the direction that seemed healthiest for me.
You can only be in a tug of war if both people are holding onto the rope. Letting go can be magical.