The recovery process after a long hospitalization can be long, boring, and frankly difficult on so many levels.  Yes, I said after a long hospitalization.  I’m pleased to share I’ll have been home three weeks on Monday!  And while being home is an infinite improvement over being in the hospital, it raises new challenges, frustrations, and disappointments.

I’ve been very limited in what I’ve been able to do for myself due to pain and extreme fatigue and lack of endurance.  I have a long way to build back up, and I have to be patient.  But I don’t want to be patient right now.  Right now, just walking to the bathroom and back is enough to exhaust me.  But I fantasize about walking around my family’s Hanukkah party on Sunday.  If I am even up to going at all.  I didn’t make it to my family’s Thanksgiving.  Another big disappointment.

Being sick I’ve missed out on so many important events.  Holidays, birthdays, Bar and Bat Mitzvahs.  Laying in bed it’s sometimes hard not to feel like life is passing me by.    I’ve lost so much and given up so much.  A million tiny and not so tiny disappointments.  Too much to count or quantify. But each a pain that runs so deep it sometimes threatens to swallow me up.  But there’s also so many things I’ve gained.  I just hope that it balances out in the end.

You have to take the good with the bad. I subscribe to this philosophy not just when it comes to my life but also when it comes to my favorite hobby – scrapbooking.

I started scrapbooking almost two years ago now. My mom had made me a beautiful scrapbook for my Bat Mitzvah when I was 13. She promised my younger sister Danielle the same thing. But life got in the way and my sister’s Bat Mitzvah scrapbook turned into a middle school graduation scrapbook then a high school graduation scrapbook and finally a college graduation scrapbook.

As Danielle’s college graduation approached my mom still hadn’t started the scrapbook. But I figured maybe I could help. After all, I was home all day with nothing to do. It might even be fun, I figured. I had no idea I would end up loving it so much, that I would find a hidden talent, and a passion… well more like an obsession.

When all was said and done, my sister’s college graduation scrapbook became a three volume set encompassing her entire life up until that point. It was time to move on to other things, so I started in on my own life.

While going through my own pictures from the last several years, there were many pertaining to my illness. Hospital stays, doctors appointments, and so on. There was even a birthday I spent in the hospital.

At first I was hesitant to include these not so happy memories in my scrapbook. But I realized that these were experiences that I also wanted to remember. These bad times in my life are part of what makes me who I am. So I put them in.

The actual time I spend scrapbooking is therapeutic. It exercises my creative muscles and helps me relax for a few hours while I design and arrange, cut and glue, label and decorate.

It’s actually rather therapeutic to scrapbook memories of my illness. Once it is scrapbooked, it feel more concretely in the past. And it can help me look to the future. For instance, I did a page of my me taking my first few steps when I first started walking again. Now I am able to walk around a store! I can look back and remember it and see how far I’ve come!

There are many things that define me a Novel Patient, mainly my collection of unusual illnesses, symptoms and side effects.  But one of them has nothing to do with being sick.  If you recall last November, I started writing a novel.  It’s working title is The Alone Elevator.  It’s a coming of age story set in a dystopian future about the pains and trials of going up and the importance of the freedom to think for yourself.  Here’s a brief summary:

Chosen to attend the prestigious Riddlebane Academy, Kylie Lockmore soon learns secrets that turn her world upside-down.  From the drug her grandmother invented to control the populace to the missing sister she never knew she had, Kylie is forced to question the truth and decide where she stands.

As I’ve been writing this novel I’ve been thinking lately about how I define myself.  So much of my life revolves around and is affected by my illness that it can sometimes feel that that is all I am.  But that is not how I want to be defined.  I am more than a sum of doctors appointments and hospital stays, symptoms and side effects, walkers and wheelchairs.  There are so many other things that define me.  And it occurs to me how important it is that I remember that.  I am a creative thinking feeling being.  I am a graphic and web designer, a scrapbooker, a novelist.  I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a child of God.  I am so much more than just a “Novel Patient”.

But how do others see me?  Do they see just a “sick girl” with a walker?  Or do they see the real me?  I think that the more I define myself as I want to be defined the more people will see the me I want them to see.  If I focus on being a patient that is what will define me.  But if I focus on being a Novel PERSON…  well that is what I will be and radiate to the world.

Here is an excerpt from the first draft of my novel:

The Alone Elevator Chapter 1 Excerpt

Image by Stewf via Flickr

17

The number of diagnoses I’ve accumulated so far… Sjogren’s Syndrome, Autoimmune Pancreatitis, Autoimmune Hepatitis, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, Cerebritis, Neuropathy, Autonomic Dysfunction, Fibromyalgia, Raynaud’s, Erythromelagia, IgA Deficiency, Asthma, Sleep Apnea, OCD, Depression, Anxiety, and ADD.

7

The number of years it took to be diagnosed with Sjogren’s Syndrome.

26

The number of years I’ve been living on this earth.

28

The number of medications I take

150

The number of pounds I’ve gained from Prednisone.

30

The number of pounds I’ve lost recently.

3

The number of pants sizes I’ve dropped recently.

8

My pain level right now.

17

How old I was when I when I last felt at all healthy.

3

The number of surgeries I’ve had… appendix removed, gallbladder removed, bladder stimulator implanted.

2

The number of doctors appointments I have next week.

13

The number of doctors I see on a regular basis.

0

The number of days I’m without pain.

Through my chronic illness, I have come to realize how crucial it is to have faith.  When most people think of the word “faith” they think religion, but there are so many other aspects to keeping faith alive in your life through dark and difficult times.  In fact, the word “faith” is merely defined as “confidence or trust in a person or thing.”

I have been blessed with always having a tremendous faith in myself.  Faith that I have the ability to get through anything no matter what life rolls my way.  But oddly enough, I believe my faith in myself stemmed from my childhood traumas.  As a child I was forced into the role of the third parent in my house.  As painful as it was it gave me an inner strength — a knowledge that I was capable of getting through anything if I just believed in myself.

This inner strength and faith in myself was strengthened as I battled depression.  Living for three years with intrusive thoughts on hurting myself or ending my life and yet not acting on them, save three minor occasions, gave me the faith in myself that I could get through anything if I was determined enough.

So when my illness struck, I’ve always had the faith that I can get through this as well.  Though it isn’t always easy… in fact it hardly ever is, I have kept the faith in myself that I am a strong enough person to deal with whatever I find in front of me.  And that faith has gotten me through the endless doctors appointments and tests, the six and half years of searching for a diagnosis, the prolonged hospitalizations, adjusting to life in a wheelchair, and the daily struggle to keep a positive attitude despite my pain and other limitations.

I have also learned how important it is to keep faith that things will get better, that I will get better.  I have to have faith that I will find a treatment or even a cure that will allow me to live a more normal life again in the future.  This faith that things will be more than okay — faith that things will get better sustains me during my darkest hours.

And then there’s faith that I have in others.  I don’t keep my illness private.  Through this blog, through the people I meet and share my story with, I share my journey with the world.  And I have to have faith in people.  That they will understand.  That they will be there for me.  And though I sometimes find myself disappointed, overall I find that when I put my faith in others they rise to the occasion.  It’s as if they were waiting for me to put my faith in them.  Waiting for me to put my blind trust and confidence in them, and they respond by being there for me in more ways than I can count.  And I am so blessed and grateful for this.

Finally there is the ultimate faith.  The kind you have despite the lack of evidence or proof.  Faith in God.  Though I try to keep this blog secular, I feel I would be amiss if I didn’t share this part of my journey.  Though I was raised Reform Jewish, it never really resonated with me.  It is a beautiful religion, but through it was hadn’t found the close connection to God I’ve so desperately craved especially in the last few years as I’ve struggled with my illness.  I’ve tried out several different churches over the years.  I was going to a Universalist Unitarian church for a while, and though I loved the people and how open they were, I still didn’t find what I was looking for in terms of a close and personal relationship with God.  Finally, two Sundays ago I went to a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints or Mormon church with a friend.  There I finally found what I had been searching for.  I have found the faith in God that I had been seeking.  I realized I had it all along.  I’ve prayed for a long time to find this closeness to God that I now finally feel, but I never expected to find it through Christ, and yet there it is.  And as surprising as it is to my friends, family, and even myself, I am getting baptized in a month.    And so I am really excited to embark on this new journey of faith.

Faith is so important no matter what form it takes.  When you are suffering physical pain all the time what else do you have to turn to but some sort of faith that things will be okay.  Whether it comes from within or from others or from God, faith is what has sustained me through my battle with chronic illness.