I realized that I am afraid of getting better. Not because I am afraid of being well; I want nothing more than to be well. I am afraid of getting better because I am afraid that I won’t. In other words I am afraid of disappointment. I am afraid that I won’t get better in both the long and short terms. I am terrified in fact.
I’ve been having a rough time emotionally with the new diagnosis of Myasthenia Gravis and this prolonged hospitalization (over 4 weeks now). It’s been a grieving process. Lots of different emotions. Lots of tears shed quietly making it hard to breathe the oxygen coming through my nasal cannula.
But I’ve had a breakthrough as well. My friend Monique and I had a wonderful discussion about all this out of which I created a new way to be in this experience of being ill which is to experience it as quite the opposite. I created the possibility of being Creatively Courageously Embracing Health. This means that I don’t have to be afraid of not getting better because I am Creatively Courageously Embracing Health.
Creatively Courageously Embracing Health
As I continue this journey Creatively Courageously Embracing Health, I have undergone 3 treatments of plasmapheresis. The improvements have been huge! I can move my legs again without the help of medication (though the medication further improves my strength levels)! I can also breath a lot better and my voice is stronger as a result. My doctors are deciding if I’m going to have 2 more treatments or if we are just going to stick with the 3.
Then begins the long process of rehabilitation. Being weak and/or paralyzed for so long has really set me back, since I am Creatively Courageously Embracing Health I know I will find a way to get where I am meant to be. I will courageously push to but not past my limits to recover and then I will creatively adapt the rest of the way so I will be where I want to be in embracing my health.
I just hope you will all embrace this possibility with me!