It’s a terrible thing to live in fear.  I make a point of not letting my fear overcome me.

When I was a very young girl a fear of guns ruled my life.  I was afraid of being shot wherever I went.  I never wanted to leave the house for fear of being gunned down.  I was especially afraid of going to McDonald’s because I had overheard on the news that a little girl was shot and killed at one.  But even as a 5 year old, I knew that my fear was irrational, and kept it a secret.  I eventually conquered my fear years later when I was forced to participate in riflery at sleep-away camp.  Afterward, I vowed I’d never let a fear rule my life again.

But fear still creeps up now and again.  And it has certainly crept up today.

Today my doctor told me that he is concerned that if we don’t stop and reverse whatever is wrong with my liver, I will end up in liver failure.  My declining liver function may be a result of either Autoimmune Pancreatitis or Autoimmune Hepatitis or both or something else entirely.

I am, frankly, terrified.  But I refuse to let my fear rule me.  As a child I was so embarrassed of my fear that I suffered in secret silence.  But today I reached out and told all my friends the news and let them be there for me.  They more than rose to the occasion, and I am so grateful for them.  And now I am blogging it out.  Sometimes it makes it feel so much better to get it all written down.

I may still be afraid, but it doesn’t control me.  I can use coping mechanisms like these to control it instead.

Image by Jody Art via Flickr

I just need to vent.  Feeling a bit sorry for myself.  I’m just so frustrated and tired of how things are going!  I’ve been in the hospital a total of 2 weeks with this kidney infection now.  I’m only 25 years old but my health is just completely in the toilet.  I’m so ill I need a full time caregiver and am in a wheelchair.  I can hardly get out of bed most days.  I feel like the example for every possible complication of Sjogren’s!  Between the AI pancreatitis and the AI hepatitis and the brain inflammation wreaking all sorts of havoc.  Then there’s the arthritis which has me in a wheelchair that I wonder if I’ll ever get out of.

I’d say I’m too young for this, but obviously I’m not.

I’ve lost most all my friends to being sick.  None of them wanted to deal with it.  They are busy leading their lives and don’t have time or the desire to see or talk to me.

I’m tired of being such a financial and time burden on my mom.  I feel so physically helpless and I miss my independence terribly.

Most of the time I put on a cheerful face and make the best and even find the positives of this bad situation, but right now I just am feeling really angry and frustrated and needed to let it out.  So thanks for listening.