I hoped for the best, but prepared for the worst, and unfortunately the worst won out this time.

I’m back in the hospital again.

I woke up Thursday morning feeling pretty horrible.  Fever, chills, dizziness, and worsening kidney pain.  After three days of oral antibiotics, my kidney infection was getting worse not better.  I called my doctor who agreed it was time to head to the hospital.

By the time I got the ER, fever, pain and dehydration had conspired to give me tachycardia (racing heart rate).  I suppose one of the upsides of being really sick is being seen right away.  Despite the crowded waiting room, they found me a bed in the ER straight from triage.

They ran some tests.  Not surprisingly my white blood cell count was way up due to infection.  The ER doctor quickly explained that though they send home 95% of patients with kidney infections, there were multiple reasons he felt I needed to be admitted.  I’m immunosupressed from all the Prednsione I’m on, I have multiple chronic illnesses, the oral antibiotics at home didn’t work, and so on.

So I was admitted.

I received two different IV antibiotics over the next several days.  My veins weren’t happy about it and I went through 6 IVs in as many days.  But overall my stay has been uneventful.  Mostly I’ve been too tired to do anything but sleep.

I had several visitors who helped break up the monotony.  My mom and dad spent the most time here with me.  Sunday I was pleasantly surprised by a visit from two friends from church, Liz and Halee.  Then yesterday an old friend from high school Jenny paid me a visit followed by Christy and Brad from church.

I’ve been waiting this morning to find out the results of my latest tests and was just told they are good to go.  I’ve been discharged!  Yay!

I will go home with oral antibiotics which I will stay on long term to hopefully prevent yet another one of these kidney infections I seem so prone to getting.  It’s getting old – ending up in the hospital every few months from these things.  I’m hoping that these long term antibiotics will do the trick and keep me out of the hospital.

Fear.

Fear that I will end up back in the hospital.

Fear and OCD are a bad combination.  It’s bad enough to have a fearful thought in your head, but with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder you just can’t forget it.

I was woken by pain on Monday morning at 6am.  I felt like I was being stabbed in my left lower back and side.  An all too familiar pain.  The pain of a kidney infection.  AGAIN.  I’ve had far too many kidney infections the last few years.  Several of them have resulted in extended hospitalizations of a month or longer.  So to feel this familiar pain filled me with dread.

That is how the fear started.

I called my doctor as soon as the office opened.  He opted to put me right on antibiotics over the phone.  The first day was truly miserable.  I was in so much pain and my breakthrough pain meds were barely taking the edge off.  Yesterday I seemed to be feeling a tiny bit better.  But today I spiked a fever.

Not good.

Now the fear was escalating.  This infection was not heading in the right direction.  Instead it was following the well worn path that leads to the hospital.

I called my doctor who had me go get a urinalysis done to see where the infection is at.  I’ll get the result tomorrow.  The culture won’t be back though for a few days.

Now I wait and try not to let the fear take over.  But my thoughts are wanting to spiral out of control.

Kidney infection leads to hospital.

Hospital leads to latex exposure.

Latex exposure leads to anaphalaxsis.

Anaphalaxsis leads to another stay in the ICU.

Not fun.

Not fun at all.

Mental illness can sure make it more difficult to deal with a chronic illness.  But I’m trying to calm my thoughts.  Trying to channel my OCD into other happier obsessions.  But really I just want to cry because, though I try, sometimes I just can’t put a happy spin on life with a chronic illness.  Sometimes it’s not inspiring or uplifting.  Sometimes there’s no bigger picture.  Sometimes there’s no underlying lesson to be learned.  Sometimes it just sucks.

Sometimes I’m not a novel patient.  Sometimes I’m just a scared girl who doesn’t want to end up back in the hospital for the umpteenth time.