Sometimes in the face of adversity you just have to stand tall.

My doctor woke me up on Sunday morning to tell me that I may have a blood disorder – Polycythemia. Unless there’s been a mistake either with the lab or the blood draw itself, I am making too many red blood cells and my iron is much too high. He was hesitant to tell me what might be causing it, but if the repeat test I got today still comes back high he wants me to go see a Hematologist. I looked it up myself and the possibilities of the causes are rather frightening… ranging from cancer to a terminal illness to kidney disease.  Needless to say I’ve been feeling rather anxious about it.

In addition, I’ve started tapering my Prednisone dose again post face drooping.  My neurological symptoms of my brain inflammation have been coming right back.  My tremor especially has been so bad I am having trouble doing simple tasks.  It’s so frustrating I just want to cry.

So this evening talking to Melissa, my caregiver, about it I broke down.  I’m so tired of it being one thing after another!  It’s two steps forward one three steps back.  So I decided to take a stand.  Literally.  I wanted to see how long if at all I could bare the joint pain I get while standing.

We turned my wheelchair around so I could use the back of it to hold myself up, and Melissa sat in the chair to help weigh it down so it wouldn’t tip.  Trembling I slowly pulled myself to my feet.  It was agony.  But I shifted my weight until I found a bearable “sweet spot”.  And then I stood there for a over a minute!

It was excruciating and exhausting.  I needed to lay down afterward and take some extra pain medication.  But the victory was well worth it!  I stood for longer than I’ve been able to in over a year! I showed my illness who is boss!

I still have high hopes that the Sjogren’s specialist I’m seeing on November 9th will have some new treatment options for me that will significantly help my joint pain and neurological symptoms.  But in the meantime, I will continue to take a stand against my illness.

“How would you rate your pain on a scale of 1-10?”

I detest this question.  But I get asked it all the time from my doctors.  How can you apply a pain scale to chronic pain?  I don’t even remember what no pain feels like.  So the whole scale seems to shift.  Pain is so relative.  I have gotten used to being in pain all the time.  I’ve gotten used to the constant stomach pain from the Autoimmune Pancreatitis and the debilitating joint pain that keeps in the wheelchair.  Not something you want to get used to.  But it’s amazing how much I can even take my normal level of pain for granted.

The last 3 days I was without my pain medication due to a major pharmacy mess up coupled with a significant insurance snag.  My stomach hurt and my joints seemed to be screaming with pain.  In more pain, I was more drained, more cranky, more emotional.  I couldn’t sleep well.  I’m yawning even now from the last few nights of poor sleep.  But strange thing was, I didn’t let myself realize how much pain I was really in until it was over… after I finally got my pain meds today again.

The sudden relief from pain was dramatic.  It’s amazing what you can live with when you have no choice, but I won’t be taking my “normal” level of pain for granted so quickly again.

Being chronically ill it’s hard to have the energy to get through the essentials of day to day life.  Organization can fall by the wayside. But staying organized is one of the most important things I’ve done to help myself cope with my chronic illness.  Getting organized about my illness has helped me make my illness more manageable and even helped me get more out of my doctor’s appointments.  Over the years I’ve developed an essential tool set.

1. If you suffer from brainfog like me, it is crucial to write everything down.  And I mean everything.
2. If you have an important phone call to make take notes both before hand of what you are going to say and during/after of what was said.
3. Keep a symptom and pain diary, so when you doctor asks when symptoms started and how often they occur you have a concrete answer.
4. Keep a calendar of all your doctor’s appointments.  Schedule them as early as possible to get the best from your doctor.  When your doctor isn’t running late and still has energy in the beginning of the day he will spend more and quality time with you.
5. Doctor’s appointments can be stressful and it can be hard to remember what you were going to say and what was said.
   • Prepare for your doctor’s appointment by making a list of recent symptoms and questions for your doctor.  Make a copy to give to the doctor so he or she can follow along.
   • Bring a list of medications to give to your doctor.  You can use the one I made at the end of this post or make your own.
   • Keep copies of all of your medical records and bring them with you when you go to a new doctor.  This can save you from getting tests twice and help you get diagnosed if something was missed by another doctor.
   • Make sure you bring a notebook and pen to take notes of what your doctor is telling you at the appointment itself, so you won’t get confused or forget something important afterward.  (To take notes you can get a good old fashion notebook to dedicate to your health.  There’s computer software you can use to take notes.)
6. Make to-do lists as you think of things you need to do.  Whether its schedule a doctor’s appointment or refilling a prescription write it down when you think of it.  And then feel the sense of accomplishment when you cross it off your list.
7. If you have a lot of medications it can be hard to keep track of when to take what and even if you took them yet at all.  Make a schedule of your medications and check them off.  You can even get weekly pill cases and do them all in advance.  Try using my medication schedule at the end of this post if you don’t want to make your own.
8. Making lists of things you need to do or when you need to take your medication is great, but it’s useless if you don’t remember to check your lists.  The solution?  Set reminders.  Set alarms on your phone or a watch with multiple alarms or on your computer.
9. Be prepared for emergencies.  If you have a condition that requires you carry Emergency medical information on you at all times make sure it is kept up to date.  Keep an up to date medicine list on you at all times.
10. Ask for help!  When your sick you can’t do it all alone.  Ask your friends and family to help you when you need it.

Do you have your own tips to add?  Please leave them in the comments!

Files

Allergies and Medication List

Word File

Pages File

GoogleDocs

Medication Schedule

Excel File

Numbers File

GoogleDocs

1. The illness I live with is:  Sjogren’s Syndrome, but I also have Autoimmune Pancreatitis, Autoimmune Hepatitis, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, Fibromyalgia, and Arthritis.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2007
3. But I had symptoms since: I was a small child.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: to life in a wheelchair.
5. Most people assume: that I’m too young to have this many health problems.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: waking up way to early in pain and never getting enough sleep.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: House, I suppose, but I don’t really watch it anymore.  I have a hard time concentrating on TV.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my mac.  It is my connection to the rest of the world.
9. The hardest part about nights are: trying to get sleepy despite the pain.
10. Each day I take 28 different medications. (No comments, please)
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: am only open to trying ones that have been shown to work in some sort of clinical trial.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose:  an invisible one.  Since I’ve recently started using a wheelchair, my illness has become move visible and I long to look “normal” again.
13. Regarding working and career: I am currently on disability.
14. People would be surprised to know: that I don’t remember what “no pain” feels like.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: that I can’t just push through the pain and exhaustion without making myself sicker.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:  travel for pleasure, but I recently went to an alternative reality gaming conference in Portland.
17. The commercials about my illness: don’t exist (which could be why no one seems to have heard of it).
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: hiking and other physical outdoor activities.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: my independence, but I’ve had to learn to accept a lot of help from others.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: scrapbooking.  I’m completely obsessed and even do it from bed when I can’t sit up at the table.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: backpacking through Australia.
22. My illness has taught me: that happiness is where you make it for yourself.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: “You just need to exercise more.”
24. But I love it when people: Call or email me out of the blue to let me know they are thinking of me even if I haven’t been up to hanging out lately.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:  Everything might not happen for a reason, but you can make a reason out of everything that happens.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: that life isn’t over and that they will find ways to cope and adjust.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how much opening up and sharing about my illness has given me the opportunity to meet new people who in turn share about themselves.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: lug all my scrapbooking supplies to me in the hospital, so I could take my mind off being there with my favorite activity.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I hope by raising awareness people will have more sensitivity and empathy for the people in their lives with invisible illnesses.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: hopeful that my sharing about my experiences will make positive difference.

Find out more about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and the 5-day free virtual conference with 20 speakers Sept 14-18, 2009 at www.invisibleillness.com

Lately I’ve been gambling a lot.  No, not at the casino, but with my life.  My life, I’m realizing more and more, is a gamble.  I hope and I wish and I make educated decisions with risk analysis, but in the end I must simply roll the dice and see where they fall.

Recently, I took a big gamble with my health when i decided to try Rituxan for my various autoimmune diseases.  Like going all in on the last round of the night, I decided to take the chance that I might have devastating and even life threatening side effects for the chance to win big – for the chance to have more energy, to walk again, to be without pain, to be healthy again.

I’ve been fighting with my insurance company for months trying to get this extremely expensive treatment.  It’s essentially low dose chemotherapy.  It’s not cheap.  Not to mention dealing with doctor’s office mix ups with requesting the wrong medication.  Then trying to figure out where I was going to get the IV infusion.

So after months of problems, I was surprised to feel so nervous as the day of the infusion actually approached.  I was frankly terrified.  Terrified not only that I would be one of those very rare people who ends up with a horrible life altering side effect but also that I would end up exposed to Latex while there triggering a life threatening allergic reaction.

My mom and my caregiver Sarina both came with me on Wednesday to the infusion.  After considerable delay while they setup a Latex-free room for me to get the infusion, I somehow transferred from my wheelchair to the too high up exam table and tried to make myself comfortable.

The nurse was a pro and got the IV started without a problem despite my needle resistant and scar covered veins.  I brought my laptop with me and hopped onto some unsuspecting person’s unprotected wireless network and chatted with my friends online while the nurse gave me my premedication.

Things were going pretty well until shortly after she started the actual Rituxin.  I started feeling dizzy, sleepy, and was breathing shallowly.  My nails turned blue.  My mom, quick to advocate for me, requested they give me some oxygen.  Luckily that quickly made me feel much better.  My doctor popped his head in to check on me and  told me that I must be one of the lucky 3% who have breathing difficulties with the infusion.  Lucky me indeed.  The rest of the infusion went without incident.  I was worried that the breathing issues would persist after the infusion was over but fortunately a few minutes after the infusion finished my breathing returned to normal.

The next day (Thursday), however, I felt horrible.  I had the worst back pain of my life.  Right up there with double kidney infections.  I wondered if my gamble was going south.  But a quick call to the on call rheumatologist confirmed that I was having a bad reaction to the Rituxan, and he told me to bump up my dose of Prednisone significantly to calm everything down.

With the extra Prednisone and a lot of extra sleep I was feeling a lot better by yesterday.  Well enough that I took another gamble and dragged myself out of bed to see Up.  That was clearly a bad move because I feel awful again today.  But you can’t win every hand, right?

I won’t know for about two more months whether this gamble will pay off or not, and in the meantime I get to do another infusion on July 1st.  But I keep telling myself that as long as I get the big prize in the end, it will all be worth it.  Because most of life is a gamble.  You don’t know how things will turn out in the end.  There are risks to trying this Rituxan, but there are risks to not trying it as well.  So I made a choice when I decided to go ahead with the Rituxan.  I decided to roll the dice and hope that I’d like where they fell because I have my whole life ahead of me and I want it to be something worth risking for.  And well… I guess that’s a risk I decided I’m willing to take.

And with that I’m going to take another nap.