Arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it; for I will give it unto thee.
Genesis 13:17

He answered them, He that made me whole, the same said unto me, Take up thy bed, and walk.
Then asked they him, What man is that which said unto thee, Take up thy bed, and walk?
And he that was healed wist not who it was: for Jesus had conveyed himself away, a multitude being in that place.
John 5:11-13 (King James Version)

Sunday was a small miracle in the grand scheme of things but not so small to me and a miracle none the less. It was a day that I thought would never happen on many levels. One thing that I thought would never happen was get Baptized, but Sunday was my Baptism. Another thing I thought would never happen was walk at my Baptism, and yet I have gone from not walking from for over a year to no longer using my wheelchair at all in the last three weeks.

I’ve been hesitant to talk about my faith here as its a touchy and divisive subject for some, but I figure this is my blog and my faith has become a major part of my life. I share every other aspect of my life here. I would be remiss if I left something so close to my heart out.

But my faith wasn’t always so important to me. I was raised Reform Jewish, and though I was Bat Mitzvahed, Confirmed, and even assistant taught Religious School at my Temple, I never felt connected spiritually to that faith. So in my more recent adult years I’ve been searching for a faith that helped me feel close to God. For a while For a while I was going to the Universalist Unitarian Church in my area, and though I liked the people and the services very much I still didn’t feel that closeness to God that I so desperately needed.

So when Melissa invited me to join her for services at her at our local Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I thought it was a long shot but worth at least checking out.  I had already learned a lot about being Mormon from her during the time she’s worked for me, and she had suggested I could get a blessing for my health when I went to church with her.

I was totally unprepared for what I experienced; I felt God for the first time in a very tangible way.  I knew right in that moment that my search had come to an end.  That I had found what I had been searching for.  I decided to start investigating the church and taking my Missionary Discussions that I would need in order to covert.  My blessing also said that through faith I could be healed.  It has been amazing how true that has been.

Over the following week I started feeling better than I had in a long time.  I decided to capitalize on the opportunity and try walking again for the first time in over a year.  I started with just a few steps.  I expected for the recovery process to be slow going.  I expected that it would take months to build up enough strength to walk more than a few steps at a time after over a year of being in a wheelchair or bed full time.  But I have been praying every night and the improvements to my walking have been exponential!  And in just three short weeks, I went from my first steps to ditching my wheelchair completely!

So Sunday I was Baptized, and I walked the whole day – including down the steps into the Baptismal Font and up again.  My Dad and his girlfriend Wendy were there which made my very happy.  My Mom chose not to attend which was the only sad thing.  It was one of the very best days of my life! And with it I have found such peace and happiness the likes of which I had never known.  Words cannot describe how grateful I am.  It has been such a relief and such a comfort.  I truly believe that through faith in Christ I have begun the healing process!  And I am so thankful to Him for this and for the closeness I now feel to God.  Through Him I have found what I was looking for and more than I could have ever imagined.

Having a chronic illness can rob you of your independence.  Suddenly you find yourself dependent on other people to do basic things you had always taken for granted, and this changes your relationships forever.

Before I got sick I was a super independent person.  I always preferred to do things on my own and avoided asking for help even when I really needed it.  With the onset of my autoimmune diseases, especially the neurological symptoms and symptoms that limited my mobility, asking for help became an unavoidable way of life.

Now I need help with even basic things like getting dressed or washing my hair – things I have done on my own for most of my life.  Those were the hardest things to ask for and accept help with at first.  It was frustrating for me and it was frustrating for my mom who initially found herself as my only caregiver.  Suddenly she was caring for me in a way she hadn’t needed to since I was a small child.  It tested our relationship.

At the time I felt very hurt at her frustration.  I wondered why she didn’t just automatically understand how much I had to humble myself to even ask for help in the first place.  It hurt when she responded with questions about whether I really needed the help or if I was feeling as badly as I was saying.  We fought a lot at a time when I really just needed her support.  Eventually I came to understand that I was failing to communicate.  I was also blinded by my own experience.  I was so caught up in dealing with the implications of a chronic illness and how it had shaken my world that I failed to see how profoundly it was affecting her as well.

But when I started to communicate this to her – that I knew how hard this was for her too  and that I appreciated all she was giving up to take care of me and that I knew it was also hard to watch her daughter get sick – the fighting tapered off.  I also found new ways to help her in return  that I could still do – mostly various types of computer and technical help.

When my mom simply couldn’t do it alone anymore, my need for help blessed me with two beautiful friendships in the form of two wonderful caregivers.  Sarina, my first caregiver, is more than a friend to me.  Born exactly one year apart, we say we are twins separated by a year at birth.  But it was odd at first having someone – a stranger – my age helping me with the very personal things I needed help with especially since I had been abandoned by several of my closest friends over the prior year.  They simply didn’t want deal with my new found illness and subsequent dependency.  Some stopped being my friend because they didn’t even believe I was actually sick and some of them just found it too much to handle and some I will never know their reasons.  In any case it hurt.  A lot.  But Sarina came in and loved me and accepted me and my illness.  She was truly a blessing and still is.

After Sarina moved away to further her career and get married, Melissa, my current caregiver, came into my life.  She is an angel in my life.  She, like Sarina, is always there for me.  We laugh a lot.  And through both of them I found that though I was sick I could still be a good friend in return.  I could still listen and be there for people.  I didn’t just need help from them, I could give it in return.

But at the end of the day I am still dependent on other people.  And I still hate that.  I don’t think I’ll ever not hate watching my mom or Melissa assemble my back backbreakingly heavy wheelchair.  I hate that I can’t just do it myself.  Though in a lot of ways, my relationships have grown and been strengthened by my need for help, and for that I am grateful, I am still eager to find ways to lessen my dependency.

So I am VERY pleased to announce that I’ve taken a step in the right direction – nine of them.  Last week  I walked (with the help of my walker) nine steps.  It was the first time I’ve walked in over a year!  I was having a low pain day and just went for it.  It was incredibly painful but even more incredibly worth it!

This post is my entry in February’s Health Activist Blog Carnival. If you’re interested in participating too, you can read all about it HERE.

On Friday I turned 26 years old!  And I really had something to celebrate!  The night before I got a call from my doctor letting me know that the lab tests were a mistake and I don’t have a blood disorder!  I was so relieved I almost cried.  So on Friday I was able to celebrate my birthday worry free!

Even being able to celebrate my birthday not in the hospital is something I’m grateful for as I spent my 24th birthday in the hospital and my 25th birthday recovering from just getting out of the hospital.

So this year I celebrated by giving myself a much needed pampering.  My mom and Melissa (my caregiver) joined me in getting our hair cut and colored.  I dyed my hair red with brighter red and golden highlights.  Then we went out for a birthday lunch at one of my favorite restaurants in the mall.  Afterward we went to Bare Essentials and got our make up done.  Then we went shopping for a while and Melissa bought me my birthday present – a new pair a jeans that actually are small enough to fit (another thing to celebrate – weight loss).  Finally we got all dressed up and went out for a nice birthday dinner!

When living with a chronic illness it can seem like its one bad thing after another.  So it’s especially nice to have something to celebrate for a change!