Arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it; for I will give it unto thee.
Genesis 13:17

He answered them, He that made me whole, the same said unto me, Take up thy bed, and walk.
Then asked they him, What man is that which said unto thee, Take up thy bed, and walk?
And he that was healed wist not who it was: for Jesus had conveyed himself away, a multitude being in that place.
John 5:11-13 (King James Version)

Sunday was a small miracle in the grand scheme of things but not so small to me and a miracle none the less. It was a day that I thought would never happen on many levels. One thing that I thought would never happen was get Baptized, but Sunday was my Baptism. Another thing I thought would never happen was walk at my Baptism, and yet I have gone from not walking from for over a year to no longer using my wheelchair at all in the last three weeks.

I’ve been hesitant to talk about my faith here as its a touchy and divisive subject for some, but I figure this is my blog and my faith has become a major part of my life. I share every other aspect of my life here. I would be remiss if I left something so close to my heart out.

But my faith wasn’t always so important to me. I was raised Reform Jewish, and though I was Bat Mitzvahed, Confirmed, and even assistant taught Religious School at my Temple, I never felt connected spiritually to that faith. So in my more recent adult years I’ve been searching for a faith that helped me feel close to God. For a while For a while I was going to the Universalist Unitarian Church in my area, and though I liked the people and the services very much I still didn’t feel that closeness to God that I so desperately needed.

So when Melissa invited me to join her for services at her at our local Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I thought it was a long shot but worth at least checking out.  I had already learned a lot about being Mormon from her during the time she’s worked for me, and she had suggested I could get a blessing for my health when I went to church with her.

I was totally unprepared for what I experienced; I felt God for the first time in a very tangible way.  I knew right in that moment that my search had come to an end.  That I had found what I had been searching for.  I decided to start investigating the church and taking my Missionary Discussions that I would need in order to covert.  My blessing also said that through faith I could be healed.  It has been amazing how true that has been.

Over the following week I started feeling better than I had in a long time.  I decided to capitalize on the opportunity and try walking again for the first time in over a year.  I started with just a few steps.  I expected for the recovery process to be slow going.  I expected that it would take months to build up enough strength to walk more than a few steps at a time after over a year of being in a wheelchair or bed full time.  But I have been praying every night and the improvements to my walking have been exponential!  And in just three short weeks, I went from my first steps to ditching my wheelchair completely!

So Sunday I was Baptized, and I walked the whole day – including down the steps into the Baptismal Font and up again.  My Dad and his girlfriend Wendy were there which made my very happy.  My Mom chose not to attend which was the only sad thing.  It was one of the very best days of my life! And with it I have found such peace and happiness the likes of which I had never known.  Words cannot describe how grateful I am.  It has been such a relief and such a comfort.  I truly believe that through faith in Christ I have begun the healing process!  And I am so thankful to Him for this and for the closeness I now feel to God.  Through Him I have found what I was looking for and more than I could have ever imagined.

Through my chronic illness, I have come to realize how crucial it is to have faith.  When most people think of the word “faith” they think religion, but there are so many other aspects to keeping faith alive in your life through dark and difficult times.  In fact, the word “faith” is merely defined as “confidence or trust in a person or thing.”

I have been blessed with always having a tremendous faith in myself.  Faith that I have the ability to get through anything no matter what life rolls my way.  But oddly enough, I believe my faith in myself stemmed from my childhood traumas.  As a child I was forced into the role of the third parent in my house.  As painful as it was it gave me an inner strength — a knowledge that I was capable of getting through anything if I just believed in myself.

This inner strength and faith in myself was strengthened as I battled depression.  Living for three years with intrusive thoughts on hurting myself or ending my life and yet not acting on them, save three minor occasions, gave me the faith in myself that I could get through anything if I was determined enough.

So when my illness struck, I’ve always had the faith that I can get through this as well.  Though it isn’t always easy… in fact it hardly ever is, I have kept the faith in myself that I am a strong enough person to deal with whatever I find in front of me.  And that faith has gotten me through the endless doctors appointments and tests, the six and half years of searching for a diagnosis, the prolonged hospitalizations, adjusting to life in a wheelchair, and the daily struggle to keep a positive attitude despite my pain and other limitations.

I have also learned how important it is to keep faith that things will get better, that I will get better.  I have to have faith that I will find a treatment or even a cure that will allow me to live a more normal life again in the future.  This faith that things will be more than okay — faith that things will get better sustains me during my darkest hours.

And then there’s faith that I have in others.  I don’t keep my illness private.  Through this blog, through the people I meet and share my story with, I share my journey with the world.  And I have to have faith in people.  That they will understand.  That they will be there for me.  And though I sometimes find myself disappointed, overall I find that when I put my faith in others they rise to the occasion.  It’s as if they were waiting for me to put my faith in them.  Waiting for me to put my blind trust and confidence in them, and they respond by being there for me in more ways than I can count.  And I am so blessed and grateful for this.

Finally there is the ultimate faith.  The kind you have despite the lack of evidence or proof.  Faith in God.  Though I try to keep this blog secular, I feel I would be amiss if I didn’t share this part of my journey.  Though I was raised Reform Jewish, it never really resonated with me.  It is a beautiful religion, but through it was hadn’t found the close connection to God I’ve so desperately craved especially in the last few years as I’ve struggled with my illness.  I’ve tried out several different churches over the years.  I was going to a Universalist Unitarian church for a while, and though I loved the people and how open they were, I still didn’t find what I was looking for in terms of a close and personal relationship with God.  Finally, two Sundays ago I went to a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints or Mormon church with a friend.  There I finally found what I had been searching for.  I have found the faith in God that I had been seeking.  I realized I had it all along.  I’ve prayed for a long time to find this closeness to God that I now finally feel, but I never expected to find it through Christ, and yet there it is.  And as surprising as it is to my friends, family, and even myself, I am getting baptized in a month.    And so I am really excited to embark on this new journey of faith.

Faith is so important no matter what form it takes.  When you are suffering physical pain all the time what else do you have to turn to but some sort of faith that things will be okay.  Whether it comes from within or from others or from God, faith is what has sustained me through my battle with chronic illness.