It’s been a rough few weeks since the Rituxan.  Not only have I been worn out to the max, but Sarina took another job 6 hours away.  I went through hiring a new caregiver while physically exhausted.  Then all too quickly I had to say goodbye to Sarina.  That was emotionally exhausting.

My new caregiver Melissa is fantastic.  I love her already, but getting to know someone new is tiring as well.

Then this past weekend I went to a conference I’d had planned for months (stay tuned for my piece on accessible travel).  It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time, but it took a LOT out of me.  And I’m still not over the Rituxan infusion.  I’m still on higher doses of Prednisone to calm that reaction.

Then upon returning from the trip this past weekend I came down with a double kidney infection.  My energy stores are already shot and now I’ve got an infection to contend with.  I’m just worn out in every way.  And I guess I’ve been feeling somewhat sorry for myself.  I just don’t have the energy to keep up my optimistic outlook.  I’m worried that I’m going to end up needing IV antibiotics and a prolonged hospitalization like I have every other time I’ve had a kidney infection.  Feeling sorry for myself, it’s hard to listen with empathy to others seemingly lesser problems.  And I hate feeling this way.  More than that, I hate myself for feeling this way.  It’s not me.

But I can’t seem to cut myself some slack either.  My friends tell me its okay to want to whine a bit right now with everything going on, but I’m not okay with it.  I guess I’m realizing how much of a control and perfectionism issue this really is.  I can’t control so much in my life right now, but I can control how I react to and deal with it.  Normally this is a good thing.  I’m able to stay happy through really difficult and trying times in my life.  As bad as things sometimes are I’ve been able to stay positive and strong.  But when I get emotionally too worn down it turns on me.  I turn on myself.  When I cannot maintain it anymore, I hate myself for not being perfect.  Right now I hate myself for indulging in self pity.

I often quip that I am a recovering perfectionist.  I suppose I have more recovering to do than I thought.